Look, I don’t know what kind of cruel time-warp we’ve fallen into, but I’m pretty sure we’ve been trapped in January since 2021. Didn’t we celebrate New Year’s ages ago? How are we still fucking here?!

At this point, I’m convinced January is not a month but a sentient, soul-sucking force that exists purely to test our limits. Time moves at half speed, our motivation has been held hostage, and we’re all just trying to survive on expired holiday leftovers and the broken promises of our New Year’s resolutions. Pretty sure I threw all my resolutions in the trash already.

So why does this month feel so aggressively, insultingly long? Let’s break it down.

1. The Holiday Glow Has Faded, and Now We’re Just… Here

Remember December? The twinkling lights, the festive vibes, the acceptable excuse to drink hot chocolate spiked with anything alcoholic at all hours? The celebratory moods among co-workers as you congratulate each other for making it? Well, January has stripped all of that away and replaced it with freezing temperatures, inboxes filled with way too many emails, and a credit card bill that looks like you thought you made way more money in December than you did in January-November combined.

2. The Resolution Struggle Is Making Time Drag

January is a giant scam disguised as a “fresh start.” On January 1st, we were all “New year, new me!” but by mid-month, we realized the “new me” is the same over-caffeinated, stressed-out fuck-tacular disaster who just wants a nap, a snack, and a good show to binge watch. Every day feels twice as long when you’re forcing yourself to eat salad instead of mac & cheese and pretending to enjoy workouts that feel like medieval torture.

3. Winter Is Just Being an Asshole

January doesn’t even try to be fun. It’s cold, it’s dark, and it has the audacity to act like we’re supposed to be productive. The sun? Haven’t seen her. Warmth? A distant memory. And if you live somewhere that gets snow, congratulations—you now have a full-time side job as a human snowplow, just trying to dig your car out so you can go suffer at work. Add in a polar vortex to keep thing lively, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for pure unadulterated asshole foolishness.

4. Payday Is a Liar

Raise your hand if you got paid early in December and are now surviving off pantry scraps and regret. 🙋‍♀️ The financial suffering of January is unmatched. The bank account is gasping for air, and somehow this paycheck has to last forever. At this point, we’re all just counting down the seconds until February, where things will be… marginally better. Maybe you can get Kraft mac n’ cheese instead of the store brand.

5. Five. Whole. Weeks.

Did anyone else check their calendar and realize this January is lasting way longer than necessary? It started on a Monday, meaning we’ve been forced to endure the absolute maximum number of weekdays possible. No mid-month holidays, no breaks, just an endless cycle of emails, meetings, and pretending to care.

6. No One Is Doing Anything Fun

December was full of parties, festive cocktails, and social plans every weekend. But now? Everyone is just hibernating. We’ve collectively agreed that fun is canceled, and if you even suggest leaving your house after dark, people will stare at you like you just asked them to donate a kidney. We’re in hiding, and coming out of the blankets feels like torture.

7. The Excitement of a “New Year” Wore Off Fast

Remember the hopeful, motivated version of yourself who thought 2024 was going to be the year? YOUR YEAR? Yeah, they left on January 3rd. Now it’s just you, exhausted, staring into space, wondering why the hell January is still happening. And wondering where all the candy went.

8. The Political Circus Is in Full Swing

As if the relentless cold, financial stress, and personal disappointments weren’t enough, we’re also being subjected to the never-ending circus that is politics. Every day is another episode of What Did Mango Mussolini Do Now?—whether it’s incoherent social media rants, questionable policy moves, or just the general vibe of impending doom. It’s all a big stress-inducing, eye-twitching, headline-scrolling nightmare. The news is now just a daily damage report. Buckle up, because this ride is just getting started.

So… When Will It End?!

The good news? We’re almost out of this shitshow of a time-warped hellscape. The bad news? February isn’t much better. BUT at least it’s shorter, which, at this point, is the best we can ask for.

So hold on. Keep drinking that coffee (or whatever you need that’s stronger), ignoring your abandoned resolutions, and counting down the minutes until January finally releases us from its icy grip.

We’re almost there.